i dream of something bad

i dream of something bad.

a guy falls in love with me.
he makes me fall in love with him.

one day, he met this girl.
who is sick. and pregnant.

and he decides to marry her.
because she does not have much time left in the world.

i was devastated.
i could not be angry.
so i avoid both of them.

but he keeps chasing me.
even though he already married her.

and his wife knows.
the wife thought she stole him from me.
but for me, that is his choice, not mine.

he kept chasing me.
i even wanted to move away from their city.
and he still chased me.

with that look on his face.
as if i’m still his love.

one day, he brought me to meet his wife.
i didn’t go mad.
i smiled.
i stayed calm.

the wife’s face seemed guilty.
i smiled back and said,
"whatever reason he did or chose, it’s already been you.
please don’t disturb my life.
i have a life to live now."

i said that while he stood beside me.
even though i found clarity,
i still felt deeply sad.
and then i woke up.

it’s sad.
because all my life,
i was never the first choice.

after that dream,
i woke up, and i felt an ache inside my heart.
screaming to be chosen.

but the hard part of my heart said,
"go away.
don’t find me anymore.
don’t care about me anymore.
don’t disturb me anymore."

although i sounded soft,
deep inside my heart,
i said it with bloody pain.
shattered pain.
as if i was bleeding inside out.

and in holding onto my life,
to stay gentle,
i walked away.

as much as i wanted him,
i had no other choice
but to say that.

because the sight of him
pained me.