A Longing I Do Not Trust
I find men embodied as strange entities. Apart from guys that I’m truly close with, I seem to view men as someone really distant. Foreign. I don’t know how to say it. When a guy sits beside me, I feel strange. When a guy helps me without asking, it feels foreign. When men are just living their life around me, and I observe them, it feels like they are something unfamiliar. Distant. Far. Sometimes I secretly observe them. How their hair falls, how their hands move, how their eyes wander, how they create facial expressions. How their bodies are built. How their skin sometimes looks similar but different. Everything. But I don’t do that to women. Or gays. Just men. Or men that I think are not gay. But instead of observing them like a scientist observing an experiment, it feels more like longing… It’s weird, yes, but that’s the closest word I can use to describe what I really feel. And when they get near, my instinct is to create a very, very hard separation. Like a wall. I can long for th...
