this isn’t sadness, it’s something deeper

🎵 SYML – Where’s My Love

Mood : 1/10

there’s a black hole inside me. not the kind you read about in metaphors, not poetic, not beautiful. it’s horrendous. it drags me in, swallows the light, and leaves me with echoes of everything i thought i healed.

i don’t have energy to show up the way i used to. not for yoga. not for appointments. not even for myself.
people say move your body, take a walk, breathe. but when your soul is the thing that’s tired, breathing feels like a betrayal. i know i have to show up, i know it’s good for me — but i don’t want to. i don’t have it in me. and i hate forcing myself into things that feel like cages dressed in “self-care.”

i missed my pills last night. not by accident.
just… a quiet defiance. or surrender. maybe both.
not because i want to die. but because i don’t know how to want anymore.

and then there’s my father.
he watched a video i posted — a small piece of my joy, from a time when i felt alive, when the world felt new. and all he could say was “cover yourself” and “remember god.”

as if i was lost.
as if i hadn’t clawed my way back from the dead just to exist in that frame.
as if being myself — uncovered, unashamed, happy — was an offense.
he didn’t see the journey. he didn’t see how far i’ve come.
he just saw skin. and shame.

i made a decision this year. after years of hiding my life from my father and his side of the family, i unblocked them. not to prove anything, but because i thought i was ready to be — truly be — regardless of their gaze.
i thought i could handle the consequences.
but knowing it will hurt and feeling it hurt are two different beasts.
and it did. it does. more than i want to admit.

the saddest part is — i wasn’t trying to provoke.
i wasn’t trying to rebel.
i was just being.

but maybe me being me will never be soft enough for the people who only know how to love silence, submission, and shame.
maybe my joy is too loud for them.
maybe i am too loud for this world.

so now i’m here.
chest tight. heart scrunched. crying without sadness.
just this helplessness that wraps itself around me like smoke.
the kind that seeps in, even when the room is empty and quiet.
the kind that doesn’t need a reason.

i froze my gym membership today.
because i’m tired of punishing myself for not going.
i need a break from pretending i’m fine.
maybe i don’t need the gym right now. maybe i just need to be somewhere no one talks. where no one watches. where the air smells like trees and no one asks me to explain myself.

i want to disappear.
not forever. just far.
from people. from expectations. from voices that ask me to shrink.
somewhere my existence doesn’t feel like a crime.

i hate that i’m like this.
i hate that i exist like this.
but still… i exist.

maybe that’s the only truth that matters right now.