A Pause at 2.44am

How does it feel to live out there?

I’m feeling something tonight, but I don’t know what it’s called. An itch, maybe. Or an urge. Or hollow. Or maybe space?

One second it makes me feel like I want to cry. Another second makes me feel anxious. The next second makes me feel very, very void. Other seconds it makes me feel the world from afar and feel the vastness but immobile, as if I’m seeing life happening around me but I’m there — sitting, feeling, being out from it. Detached. As if I couldn’t feel the breeze, the air, the mist, the cold, the temperature, and the sound is far… tiny and afar.

The thing is, I want it. I want to be out there. To feel life. To taste life. To touch life. I want it. I really do.

Awake at 2.44am, thinking of what life could be right now if I’m out there, while knowing tomorrow is Monday and I have to wake up to go to work… for the last week of my career. I don’t know what to describe. A waiting? A hold? A jump? A pause? Is that what this is — a pause?

I’m on my bed… a bed that I have been fighting with for 2 months, and finally it’s here. An orange-y soft light lights up half of my room from my study table. My window is open and the sound of soft city happening outside. My laptop that I’m using right now is playing soft instrumental. My soft satin bedsheet and pillow. Slightly dry hands from making pasta tonight. A fan spinning on top of me gives me enough air to cool myself. An ice cream waiting to be eaten in my private mini fridge. A book waiting to be read on my bookshelves. A glass of water waiting to be drunk on my bedside table.

But—

In my mind, I want to be out there. Sleeping on the night train, knowing the world is moving with me out there. Or sleeping in a hostel, knowing people in the room are having almost similar dreams like me too. Or being out there in the city, soaking the nightlife quietly while the world is being loud around me. Or sitting in the common area, having a deep talk with a stranger about what life is. Knowing I’m out there living with uncertainty but fully living in it. I will carry many things, but those things are not world material, but instead life material. Knowing I am trying my best to live my fullest life instead of sitting in a paved life that has been paved by someone that is not me. That is what’s in my mind tonight.

Can I be a person that I want to be?