i am still processing

I haven’t write for many weeks now.

I always wanted to write. Always remember that I haven’t write for so long. But nothing inside me that want to be written. It feels like an empty atmosphere with smoke and night galaxy circling the orbit of my life. Nothing. Nothing to say. Nothing to thought. Nothing to opiniated. Nothing.

I think my father passing makes my world become quiet. Nothing to say. Nothing to be feel. Nothing to be think. As if I don’t know what to be next. I cried, yes. I think a lot about the past memories. But to say something out of it, none. Truly, I’m still in process of processing.

And honestly it affect my brother recently. When we were on our way to visit my dad grave, he talk his heart out. He said I’m distant. Avoiding. Didn’t care. And I was silent. I want to hear everything in his heart. So I did. And then I said sorry to him. And tell him why I’m being like this. Core issue is I’m running away. The only solution I know because I know I am not strong yet to face the pain. And every other reasons that I have been puddle since my childhood days. And then few days after, I come to Thailand. Running away again. I guess.

Actually, I do face my pain. But I don’t face it head on full gears like my brother. Just go through the pain. I can’t. I face my grief and pain little by little. On lonely nights where world are fallen asleep, I’m there on my bed crying my heart out silently. Sometimes on the motorbike while having the air hitting my face. Sometimes over the simple meal that’s too delicious. Sometimes by the river, looking at the vast Bangkok city, cars, buildings, and peoples. And sometimes through people that I met that reminds me, father figure are still exist.

And actually, half way through my trip, I feel I lost the essence of it. I couldn’t wake up early every morning to stroll the city. The enthusiast is not lasting. Most days I just feel like I want to stay on bed. Some days I just want to be by the river. Some days I just want to be in the cafe eating cake. Some days I just want to go home and coccoon myself on my own bed. Mind you, this is the longest solo trip I have ever done, almost 3 weeks.