The Fear Was Never Him

I feel something inside me. Tightness. Fear.

Before, my fear always seemed to revolve around closeness and vulnerability.

And what do you think happens to a person who carries that kind of fear when suddenly someone enters her life?

But what if that person is someone she used to know? The circumstances were never bad between them. She never hated him. Never held any grudge. Things simply drifted away. And back then, it was only a very short hello.

And what if the person himself does not even know what he symbolizes? What he represents in my life?

Maybe what really scares me is that he arrived during a moment where my inner world was already emotionally tender and exhausted from holding itself alone.

But also… maybe it is more about this:

What if I let him?

“Sometimes people enter our lives precisely during periods when our soul is exhausted from surviving alone. That does not mean the connection is fake. It just means your heart is more reachable than before.”

That is exactly what my friend said.

She told me I emit the energy without even realizing it.

What should I do?

Did I accidentally do something wrong? Am I now in a dangerous position? Or is what is happening actually something my heart needs, and I simply do not know it yet? Or maybe I am just not ready for it.

I am not trying to define him or what he brings into my life.

I am trying to define myself.

I cannot see where I am going.

Because to me, he is only a symbol right now. A symbol of what, I do not know yet.

I have always believed that if I love someone, I love too much. So I keep it to myself. Not everyone deserves it.

But I also feel incapable of love.

At the same time, I know love can exist in many forms and can be given to many people. That is why I do not want to put him into a box or define what he represents yet. It feels too early and too uncertain.

I just do not understand where all of this is coming from.

Why is this suddenly happening to me?

Where are my walls?

Where are my boundaries?

Where am I?

This feels frightening because my identity has been built around containment for a very long time.

He once told me that if I keep doing this to myself, I will suffer. He did not say it in a harsh way. We were simply talking about it.

He wants to know me deeper, but I cannot let him.

He asked me why.

I briefly explained.

But the truth is, I do not know how to do the opposite.

I do not know how to let someone in.

I feel incapable of believing that I can slowly tolerate being emotionally known a little more without immediately feeling like I will collapse.

In fact, when I met him yesterday, I genuinely thought it would only be a one-time thing. That sooner or later, he would disappear.

But in almost every conversation, he keeps saying in different ways that this is not temporary to him. That it continues beyond now.

I told him:

“I do not need you.”

He asked me if I had ever thought about what would happen if things did not work out. Would I still be okay?

I said yes.

I cannot force people to stay or to change. No matter how painful things become, eventually I still have to be okay.

I told him:

“I am here because I like talking to you. But I do not need you.”

I am scared of becoming someone in another person’s life.

It feels like a burden I would need to carry.

To be a partner.

A girlfriend.

A friend.

A daughter.

A sister.

Sometimes even existing as something meaningful to another person feels heavy to me.

That is why I told him:

“Do not define this. Whatever this is, I do not need names. I do not like being placed into a box.”

That is also why I told him:

“If I love someone, I love them too much.”

It can hurt in both directions.

I do not know how to lessen it.

How to love less.

How to give less.

How to become less.

And honestly, I do not even want to learn how.

But people simply do not deserve it.

I told him that too.

“When I love, I love too much. And people always trample on it like rubbish.”

After that, he went silent.

A few minutes later, he pulled me closer and hugged me.

I still do not know why.

Maybe he understood what I meant.

Or maybe he simply did not know what to say.

He has been emotionally open with me, while I still cannot do the same.

Yet he keeps telling me:

“Use me. Let it out. Heal from it.”

He said I keep everything trapped inside myself until it turns into thoughts and endless conversations inside my own mind.

He told me healing does not come only from thinking and isolating myself.

So he told me to use him.

But why would he do that?

Why would he willingly let me place some of my burden onto him?

And why would I allow myself to do that to another person?

That feels unfair.

I have never allowed anyone to carry things for me before.

Everyone already has their own weight to carry.

And honestly, I do not even know how to hold other people’s pain either.

He also told me he does not believe in the concept of “give and take.”

At that moment, he had done something kind for me. After a while, I tried doing something for him in return.

He stopped me and said:

“No need.”

I told him:

“But I want to. You already did something for me. I do not want to receive freely without giving something back.”

And he simply said he does not like relationships built around that kind of exchange.

In his world, if he gives, he gives sincerely. Not because he expects repayment or balance in return.

And I was left speechless.

Because I have never met anyone who disagreed with the idea of give and take when, to me, giving back always seemed like the fair thing to do.