freedom of choice

In just a few hours, it's gonna be my birthday, and I'm here sitting on my balcony. Feels a bit weird because for the past years, I would be somewhere around the globe, alone, with myself, in a foreign city by myself.

Actually, I just had a realization of how much my life has changed this past year. Remember, back then all I wanted was freedom. And I have two tattoos on me that represent that. And today, tonight, right this moment, I can feel it. The freedom that I craved for years. That I kept holding on to so tightly with every single breath. And today, I feel it.

Freedom of choice.

Back then, when I had nothing, I couldn't give people what they needed. My physical presence, money, help, things, physical time, physical effort, gifts, random "I'm here in front of your place" moments, things like that.

Now? I can.

I have my own car to go out anywhere I want, whenever I want. I have money to spend on people I care about. To treat my brother to food and things. To buy my mom her cravings and random snacks. To spend RM200 every weekend with Sanji just because I like spending time with him. To drive as far as I want because gas is not the issue, distance is not the issue, transportation is not the issue.

To have a choice to pamper people that I care about.

And to pamper myself with things I love again and again and again.

So when Sanji asked that question, whether I think he is less, I couldn't. I really couldn't. Because I've been there. I felt what he feels now. How helpless it feels to do something for someone we care about. To hold myself back so many times just because I didn't have money. To not have any say because I couldn't afford it. To stay silent because I couldn't do what I wanted to do for the person I cared about.

I have been there. Seriously, I have.

So I can't feel that way towards him. Not because I don't want to, but because I simply couldn't. I can see his position too clearly.

And to be on the other side of this, I feel like I would be inhumanly cruel towards him if I judged him. It's like I'm belittling the Teha from before. The one who could only say, "I'm sorry," for everything that was out of her control.

And I really wish no one should ever feel this.

Even for Sanji.

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Also, happy birthday Teha 🩷