Between love and boundaries lies a complicated grief

Few days ago, I got the greatest bad news of my life, about my dad. He's gone. I can't process right now. My eyes just cry. And I don't know what emotions I'm feeling. I feel bombarded with everything. At the same time I feel bad. I haven't talked to him for so long. My last words to him that he literally heard were 'oh'. This means everything! At that time, I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't pick up his call even though my phone was in my hand. I was scared. I was scared of getting hurt by him.

What have I done. Did he go knowing that his daughter was mad at him? Hated him? On the day he was in the hospital and I came to him, I called him. Although he was in a coma. I told him that I'm here. I came to him. To see him. And his heartbeat did something. What have I done. Have I done enough? Does he? Does he know?? Does he know how mad I am towards him, I still love him? No matter how much I hate him, but I care for him? Did he? I was cruel. I was bad to him.

Earlier this year when we met, I couldn't stay for long near him. The moment I stepped away, my body was shaking like crazy. I wept with tears on my way back home that day. And he hugged me that day. Very very rare of him. And he hugged me long. But that was last year. The last time I saw him alive. Breathing. Well. Am I wrong? Am I bad?? Am I cruel? Does he understand this? For the time I was away from him after that moment.

Everyone keeps saying it's my fault, I did him wrong. I'm the bad person. I'm the bad daughter. Everyone keeps saying that to me. In front of me. Although it might sound polite but they said that to me. I'm having mild panic attacks. I'm having a hard time breathing. Is everything my fault? But my boundaries are why they said I'm a bad daughter to him!

But they all ask me to change. Change myself. For the sake of my dad in kubur right now. They ask me to change. To tutup aurat. To be a good Muslim. Am I dosa for being who I am? My aunt sampai cakap, tangkap mana mana lelaki, jadikan suami, and then do whatever you want. But not now because I'm still a single woman. They said whatever sins I do, my dad gets the punishment down there in the grave. But why do they keep saying, whatever sins I made are being weighted towards my dad. Even in the grave. They said my dad gets punished for sins I made. Are you sure??? Because all of us have been growing up believing that the sins of the daughter that is not married yet are being borne by the father. And a female who has been married, her sins are being borne by the husband.

Why do I feel that they instill fears in me?? I feel cornered. I feel like I couldn't move. I want to shrink. I want to sit at the edge of the room. I want to be alone. Why do they make me feel as if I'm losing my time? Why do they make me feel like one step I took, if it's a sin, it's the end of the world? God will hate me. God will despise me. God will punish me. God will stay away from me. I feel like I'm supposed to be in a rush. To feel in a rush. I couldn't stay calm. I'm calmly panicking right now. And around me the air is stone. Rigid. Hard. Suffocating. Too close. What version of God do they mean?? And what is God to be like right now??

I feel, Islam in Malaysia is very much wrong. It closes. It punishes. It cages. It corners. It steps on. It hinders. It judges. It stains.

I want to travel. I want to see the world. Because as I have said to you before, I know Islam is peace. But peace is not here in Malaysia for me to learn my own religion.

I have come across a video saying all religions in the world are coming from one. Like Christianity. And remember I have said to you before that I believe everyone in this world will belong to God. I don't know why I feel that but I really feel it in my gut. Hence why I want to learn about Buddhism and all. Because I believe we all come from one God and religions are man made. Like how I say no matter what religion I am, I believe God is one and God does not belong only to one religion only. And I still stand firm with that belief in me.

And then the video I came across, said almost a similar thing. A non Muslim asked her if she believes the non Muslim will enter heaven, and she as a Muslim, said yes. Strongly yes. Why.. because in the Quran it said, those who believe in God, enter heaven. It didn't say only those who are Muslim enter heaven and those who are not Muslim enter hell. It specifically said "those who believe in God" will enter heaven. Meaning those who have religion in them, will enter heaven. Because we all believe in God. And God is only one.

And it makes me think, and understand why I want to learn Buddhism too. Not because I'm looking for God, because as I said, I always believe in God. But because of the values they bring. The Buddha brings. The peace. Because now I realise, Islam here surrounding me is not peace. It has been stained with people's agenda of control.

Also I have checked. True. In the Quran it did say, my deen is my deen and his deen is his deen. Meaning my dad will never carry my sins at all. None. That has been preached by other men for control for centuries. That wants to gain control over women by the facade of religion. And I'm so sorry for dad that he couldn't know this, realise this, before he passed away. Oh I have been talking to my dad in my breath every night now. With all my emotions. Layered and layered.

Yes. I came up with this quote from someone. "Not wearing hijab doesn't mean you have turned away. And wearing it, doesn't mean you are done growing. Faith isn't a destination. It's a relationship." I feel funny when I think back because for my family, hijab is the ultimate Muslim. Hijab makes you a complete Muslim. But they never and never ever think, what's inside is much more important. God asks us to be merciful. To be kind. And so many things that literally come from a good heart. But all that's important to them is the facade. Not the heart.

Think about it. When Allah completed the Quran, He didn't drop a whole book at once. But it took 20 plus years to complete. Each surah was being told piece by piece. And the information about hijab and stuff, was only being told at 18 years of the Quran journey to be completed. Which means, from the first year until 18 years, hijab was not enforced on women. So why does society now expect all of us to understand Islam in one go? And horrendously, only take only what benefits them towards women?

Allah said, faith is a journey! The heart is what He will see. And He is the most merciful. But why do humans, Islam humans, punish us for the standards they build on themselves to others?? To follow without understanding. To bend themselves blindly without willing. Why?? And mind you, at that time, a prophet was still alive. To be a guide. To be a bridge between us and God. To be a messenger. A human messenger. And now there is no prophet. It's the end of the world. We all know it. Fitnah is everywhere. Corruption is nearer to you than you know it. But they expect us, human beings, the weak, to absorb everything in one go. Where is the compassion?

Even God understands our journey. But why do they pretend to be holier than thou? The verses about hijab came late in that journey, when the community was already strong in compassion, justice, and inner discipline. The external rules came after the heart had been trained to see God with love.. MasyaAllah. This is what I have been trying to say to my dad all of my life. Heart. Heart. Heart. The most important, heart… MasyaAllah, Allah please forgive my dad.

I don't understand why they said I'm a bad person. My dad knows but he ignores. For years I tried to talk to him. To make him understand, of who I am. Who I'm becoming. How big my heart has grown. How much love I have cultivated in me. Even when my childhood was full of painful memories, my compassion is big.

By the age of 8, I chose to sacrifice my mother and my brother for him. I chose to be on his side when my mother and my brother ran away from him. I chose to forgive him for what he had done to my mom. To bleed her. To hurt her. I forgave him. Because no one was on his side. I was 8 and I chose him over me. When he chose to marry my stepmom, I was hurt. I felt betrayed. That was when I was still 8 years old. But I accepted his decision. Even when he said the reason was to take care of me, I know it's not true because a single dad can still raise his own children by himself. I felt betrayed. Because I still don't feel chosen by him.

Growing up with a stepmom while longing for my own mom. To be told by his family the bad side of my mom, is not good childhood memories. To be taught the black and white with no grey area, is not good parenting. I didn't ever get to choose but I was forced to accept. And so I did. I am a human being. I have my own soul. Own needs. Own story. I am never perfect. Never. But I do my best for the interest of him. While loving myself in the confusion of everything. I have no one to lay my head on.

His family keeps saying they rely on my dad a lot. Growing up, my dad lent his shoulder to them a lot. So when I am being who I am, they said I am bad to him. Because he is a good guy for them. But they forgot. I grew up without mom's love. Without the love of a family. I grew up with no older brother and sister. I grew up with cages already built around me. With rules imposed on me. With expectations falling on me. I am who I am because I need to crawl to find myself. I need to beg God to carry me to peace.

They forgot that I was born to divorced parents. Who crashed in every collision. Who had to be a mediator so that my brother could calm his heart in peace. While no one checked on me. That is me growing up. Yes, I got good education, home, materials of the world, but I never got emotional security. I could never get to let my guard down. Every small sound makes my heart beat faster. Makes fears creep in. My hand shivers and my mind is paralysed. I learned to be safe by going away. I learned to breathe by walking away. I learned to love by focusing on myself. That is me that they never knew!

Yet they said I'm the cruel one when my dad is my biggest first love and the biggest first betrayal of my life! Have I ever blamed him? No!! I just chose to walk away so I didn't hurt both of us. Have I tried to talk to him? I did to the extent I needed medical help! That is me. Ya Allah that is me. Forgive me ya Allah. For not trying harder for him. Oh I'm hurt…

Did they forget I had just lost my dad?!! While they only lost a brother!! I need a father. Not a dictator. But he was rarely the first.. That's what they didn't see because he was a brother to them. A husband to her. I keep saying to my dad since yesterday in my breath. "Please ask them to not be cruel to me. You are not here. There's no one that can speak out for me anymore. I don't need pity. I don't need love. I need no cruelty from your family."

Just because I am different, does not mean I'm a sinner.

It's easy you know? Having a villain in their story. Someone they can point their fingers at. Someone that they can blame and let the person bear the responsibility that they don't want to carry.

Funny. I'm aware to myself. But a sinner to others.