I Didn’t Wake Up Brave. I Just Stopped Waiting

I want to write this properly, because the last few weeks of my life have been a blur, and I don’t want to lose the truth inside it.

It pains me. Seeing people out there, living the life that I want. Travelling the world. Seeing the world. It pains me. It hits something in my heart, in my soul. I really want that. It is a painstaking kind of pain.

cr: pinterest

What happens if I stop waiting? Waiting for the right time. Waiting for enough money. Waiting for the right opportunity. Waiting for when I have energy. Waiting for approval. Waiting for chances. Waiting for yes. What if I stop waiting for all of that? What if I just go? Not enough money. No comfy backup cushion. No return flight. Nothing properly set up. What will happen?

One of my traveller friends said something to me this year. If it goes wrong, there is always a ticket to fly back home. Always. And she also said, if it goes right, it’s one of the most magical and truest things you will ever do in your entire life. It felt like the universe was handing me an answer that I already knew. Go. Go and make your life. Go and live your life. You will survive. You can survive. No matter how hard or impossible it looks, you can find a way and you can do it.

On Monday this week, I didn’t go to work. I just went MIA. I didn’t inform anyone and disappeared into silence for the whole day. I couldn’t answer any calls. I couldn’t reply to any texts. I was just gone. My mum thought I was on leave. In reality, I just felt too much.

I woke up early, but I couldn’t go to work. The act of going to work, to do things that give me nothing in my life, is killing me. I couldn’t do it. For the whole day, my brain and my heart kept saying the same thing. Go. Go make that letter. Go quit. Just quit. There are so many other ways to survive. Quit now so you know what’s next. Quit now so you can breathe. Quit now so you can see.

So now I need to quit. Not a want. Not a must. Not a should. But I need to quit, or I will die working.

I am not collapsing right now. I had a shower. I had a slice of cake. My heart was heavy, but I was clear. I opened my laptop after many days. I cleaned my room after many weeks. I did my laundry after two weeks of having almost nothing to wear.

This isn’t a breakdown. This feels like adrenaline. Something inside me pushing me to do something I should have done earlier. To show me that you do things while scared. While worried. While doubting. Because that is life. Because that is stepping outside the comfort zone. Outside the bubble. Outside the safety net. Outside my current life.

It feels like a push. To make me move. To hurt me with the unbearable pain of living in a place I no longer belong to. I want to quit. Get a flight or train ticket. And away I go. First stop, a temple stay. After that, Workaway or Worldpackers. Anything.

I feel relief and fear, of course. Nothing comes in black and white. It’s what you choose along the way. I wouldn’t say it’s going to be easy and breezy. It will be hard. But it will be the kind of hard that is for me, not for everyone else. I’m in it. I can do it.

cr: pinterest

I had a looooong conversation with my mum after work. Hours of talking. It was 11pm by the time we finished. We talked about a lot of things. We laughed about a lot of things. We discussed everything properly. And I finally told my mum.

Technically, she already knew that I wanted to quit my job. But this time, she knew all the reasons why, what my plan is, and what I have prepared. And she agrees.

At first, yes, my mum was worried about my finances. So I laid out what my current commitments are, and how all of that will be drastically reduced by December and January. Fully debt-free by June next year. She asked me how I would sustain myself if I went overseas, so I told her my plan.

I’m sure it sounds odd from her perspective, but she tried to understand me. I still have company business where I get commission every month. Not much, but enough to cover about RM300 per month for my remaining commitments in Malaysia. I can do Workaway, so my stay and food are covered. I can do odd jobs. I can be a personal shopper for Malaysians while travelling. I can find business for my dad’s travel agency. I can help my dad too.

Yes, I don’t have savings. But I am living. The salary I will get until January, I will keep half of it to sustain myself until I find my way along the journey. I told her that if my plan doesn’t work, I will come back and find another corporate job. But for now, I want to be a world away from corporate and try to find my own life. Rezeki is everywhere. Trust it.

And she agrees.

A few minutes after that, she told me something else. One of our cars will come back tomorrow after being rented out for two months, and someone already wants to rent it again. I also just bought a new car to invest in my dad’s business, and it will be coming out this week. My dad said someone already wants to rent that one too.

Immediately, I said to my mum, oh my God. When what we are choosing is right, God makes the route easier. She said yes. When it is supposed to be like this, it will be like this. God will provide the way.

Next month is December. People are looking for cars. February and March are Ramadan and Raya Aidilfitri. People will be looking for cars. The timing feels magnificent. Magical.

I truly feel that God helped me today.

I feel like I want to cry.

Finally.

Just finally.

Oh, I’m crying.