i found my way

I never really belonged anywhere when it comes to beliefs.

Not because I hated where I came from.
But because, deep inside, something never felt right.

I couldn't relate to the way I was raised.
I couldn't force myself to believe just because everyone else did.
I tried.
God knows I tried.
But my heart — it kept searching for something truer.
Something that felt like home.

And now... I realize.
I was never abandoning my beliefs.
I was just walking toward them — in my own way.

I still believe in God.
So deeply.
But not the kind that is confined in one religion,
not the kind that demands a hundred rituals to prove my worth.
I believe in a God that is everywhere — around me, above me, inside me.
Not trapped in temples.
Not locked behind walls of rules.
Not sitting somewhere waiting for me to fail.

I believe God lives in the quiet moments.
The breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
The sunrise after a sleepless night.
The peace after letting go.
The ache that teaches me something I needed to learn.

And somehow... without even realizing it,
I’ve been walking the Buddhist path all along.

Not because I declared it.
Not because I needed a new label.
But because the way Buddhism sees life —
the Eightfold Path —
the quiet attention to your thoughts, your speech, your actions —
the tenderness toward impermanence —
the truth in suffering,
and the freedom in letting go —
it felt like I was reading a language my soul already knew.

It felt like someone finally showed me a mirror,
and said,
"You were already living this way. You just didn’t have the words for it."

I don't need to renounce anything.
I don't need to erase who I was.
I don't need to kneel to statues or worship a man.

If one day I find myself in a temple,
it won’t be for the sake of the stone or the tradition.
It will be for the stillness.
It will be a prayer to the God in me.
To the God above me.
To the God around me.

I will bow not to an object — but to the life breathing through me.
To the gratitude I feel.
To the freedom of knowing I can belong to something so much bigger than human walls could ever contain.

And I’ve decided...
I’m going to move to Bandung.
Not just to chase a new place.
But to practice what I believe in.
To walk this life awake.
Without judgment.
Without fear.
Without apology.

I’m not abandoning my beliefs.
I’m living them —
finally, fully, freely.

I am who I am.
And for the first time in a long time...
I’m at peace with that.