Living with Me

Mood : 4/10

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on where I am in life—mentally, emotionally, and professionally. I guess it’s just one of those periods where I’m pausing to look back and assess how things are going. And while it can sometimes feel overwhelming, I also recognize that I’m learning a lot about myself. Today, I decided to take a deeper dive into my thoughts and experiences, and it helped me realize that even in the moments when things feel difficult or frustrating, there’s always something to learn.

This morning, for instance, I woke up with the best of intentions. I had set an alarm, hoping to start the day on time, but for some reason, I found myself stuck in bed, dreading the thought of getting up. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to start my day; it was more like my body and mind were resisting. I know this happens to me sometimes—there are days when getting out of bed feels like a massive task. And while I could’ve felt guilty for not getting up on time, I’m learning to acknowledge that these days happen. Instead of beating myself up, I just let myself feel what I felt. I stayed in bed a bit longer, checked my phone, scrolled aimlessly for a while, and eventually fell back asleep for a bit.

By the time I got up, I was 30 minutes late to work. I hadn’t dried my hair, didn’t do any skincare or makeup, and honestly, I wasn’t even that concerned about it. In the past, I would’ve been irritated and stressed by this, but today, I just took it in stride. Life happens, right? I wasn’t about to let it ruin my day. Instead, I focused on getting to the office as quickly as I could and just accepted that some things weren’t going to go as planned. The truth is, some days are just slower than others, and that's okay.

Once I got to the office, everything was pretty calm. There wasn’t much to stress about, and work was steady but not too demanding. The end of Q1 had just passed, and the big conference we’d been preparing for was over. So, everything felt like it was in transition, with no immediate deadlines or pressure to rush. I had the space to breathe, and I used that time to focus on what I could control. It wasn’t an exciting day, but it wasn’t a stressful one either, which is exactly what I needed. Sometimes, the most significant days are the ones that are just “normal.” No ups, no downs, just a balance.

As the day went on, I kept thinking about how much I’ve been changing over the past few months. One of the biggest things I’ve been working on is my ability to reflect. I’ve always been someone who processes my thoughts and feelings through writing. It’s a habit that has helped me for years—whether it’s keeping a journal or working on a blog post. But lately, it’s been more important than ever, especially with everything that’s been happening in my life. After being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), I’ve had to take a much more intentional approach to managing my mental health. Writing has become a tool to help me stay on top of my emotions and thoughts.

Since receiving that diagnosis, I’ve realized that I can’t ignore my mental health anymore. I used to try to push it aside or hope it would get better on its own, but now, I face it head-on. MDD is not just a title I can remove from my life; it’s something that’s now a part of me, and I have to take care of it every day. It’s easy to feel defeated when you realize that something like this will be with you for the long haul, but I’ve come to understand that it’s not about running from it. It’s about learning how to live with it, to manage it, and not let it define me.

Through writing, I’ve learned to reflect more deeply. I no longer let my thoughts race or get lost in negativity without noticing it. I take time to slow down and really examine what I’m feeling. For instance, I’ll sometimes write about the smallest moments, like a conversation with a friend or a task I’ve completed at work. Writing helps me pause, put things into perspective, and see them clearly instead of getting swept away in my emotions. In fact, writing makes me feel like I am enough, that I am taken care of, that I am aware, and that I am loved. It’s a way to affirm to myself that even when things feel heavy, I’m still okay.

Even with this self-awareness, I struggle sometimes. There are days when I feel the weight of everything I’m trying to manage—my mental health, my goals, and the responsibilities that come with work and life. For example, I’ve been trying to stay consistent with my content creation, but it’s been a challenge. I really want to make progress with my blog, YouTube, and social media, but some days, I just can’t seem to find the energy or motivation to keep going. Yesterday was one of those days. I had intended to do some video editing but ended up getting distracted by YouTube videos and eventually falling asleep.

It’s easy to feel guilty about these moments, especially when I know how important it is to be consistent with my work. But I’ve been trying to show myself more compassion, to let go of the guilt and understand that not every day will be perfect. Progress isn’t always linear, and sometimes, the best thing I can do is give myself a break. I think I’ve learned that I don’t have to be hard on myself for taking a rest, even if it means not hitting all my targets for the day. It’s about balance—knowing when to push myself and when to pull back and take care of my well-being.

Still, the pressure of not meeting my goals sometimes lingers. It’s something I’m working on managing, and I know I need to break down tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. The idea of editing a video for 10 minutes might sound simple, but it’s a way to take the pressure off. If I can focus on just one small task at a time, it becomes less overwhelming, and I can build momentum slowly. It’s all about not letting the weight of expectations stop me from making progress.

Another big shift I’ve made in recent years is learning to set boundaries—something I’ve always struggled with. I’ve always been the type of person who says yes to everything, even if it’s outside of my role or expertise, just because I don’t want to let people down. At work, especially, I’ve found myself taking on tasks that aren’t directly related to my job, thinking that I should just help out whenever I can. But I’m learning that I don’t have to do everything. I’m allowed to say no.

It’s a tough lesson, but I’m gradually getting better at asserting myself. And even in my personal life, I’m realizing the importance of prioritizing myself. For example, when my friends asked me to join them for lunch, but they were running late, I decided to eat on my own. In the past, I would’ve waited around, even if I was starving, just because I didn’t want to upset anyone. But this time, I listened to my body. I was hungry, and my priority was taking care of myself. I’m proud of myself for making that choice, and it felt freeing to not feel guilty about it.

I’ve also noticed a big shift in how I respond to uncomfortable situations. In the past, I might have reacted immediately—maybe even defensively—if something bothered me. But now, I step back and observe instead of jumping into a reaction. It’s part of learning to protect my energy and preserve my peace. If something feels off, I no longer try to force myself to be “nice” or pretend everything is fine. I’ve learned that it’s okay to just be real, to step back when needed, and to trust that I don’t have to be constantly “on.”

The more I practice this, the easier it becomes to stand up for myself. In fact, I’m getting more blunt and straightforward in situations where I need to protect my boundaries. Sometimes it feels harsh, but I know that being blunt is a form of self-care. It’s about being honest with myself and others, and not allowing anyone to take more from me than I’m willing to give. It might make me feel like a “bitch” at times, but in reality, I’m just taking care of myself, and I’m okay with that.

As I reflect on all of this, I realize that growth is a slow process, but it’s happening. I’m learning to acknowledge my emotions, prioritize my needs, and set healthy boundaries. These small steps are adding up over time, and they’re helping me become a more confident, self-aware person. I’m still working through a lot of things, and I’m sure there will be setbacks along the way. But as long as I keep showing up for myself, keep reflecting, and keep making those small changes, I know I’ll get where I want to be.

This is the process of embracing who I am, flaws and all. It’s messy and challenging, but it’s real. And for now, that’s enough.